


Isn't this why she came?

by LikaNightmare



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Panic Attacks, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-06 21:59:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10345416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikaNightmare/pseuds/LikaNightmare
Summary: She looked up to the sky whose stars she couldn't see. The neon lights of Tokyo blinding her. Kiyoko had a plan and she would go through with it no matter what.





	

Kiyoko inhaled the cold air of Tokyo and rubbed her hands. She step out of the train and the corner of her mouth dared to curl into some sort of a grin. The could weather found it's way inside her clothes, embracing her body and kissing her skin with brutal delicacy. She looked up to the sky whose stars she couldn't see. The neon lights of Tokyo blinding her. Was that happiness? Was that how normal people felt all the time? Her growling stomach complained again and she put her hand on top of it, pressing her belly. Kiyoko had no memory of the last time she ate something but it didn't matter. She was finally in Tokyo and she would go through with her plan, no matter what. Her phone buzzed for the fifth time on her pocket but she didn't mind. It was probably her mother wanting to know her whereabouts.

 

“Sorry,” she whispered to the void. She wouldn't pick up any call or replay any texts. She came to Tokyo with one job. She took one step towards the station exit but her legs seemed to weight much more than they did all her life. Shaking her head, she breathed out. She still had so many things to do before the end; there was no reason at all to start feeling nervous at the moment. “Focus.”

 

Out of the station, the air was even colder. The delicious numbing sound of people talking at once were perfect background noise for her tumultuous thoughts. She pulled up her scarf so it could protect her face from freezing and kept walking. The place she booked was easy to find and pretty close to the station so soon enough she had checked in and was not heading to her room. The hotel was incredibly neat and pretty all covered in golden details over white walls and furniture. Her mother would probably have a heart attack when she found out Kiyoko had spend all her money on this weekend. She shrugged. She didn't need to deal with all that anymore.

 

Her room was also breathtaking. She let herself smile finally and didn't stop herself from jumping backwards on the mattress of the king sized bed right in the middle of the room. Closing her eyes she let out a sigh and realized she was finally breathing. Feelings twisting and dancing inside her, she kept herself from crying. She still had much to do. Her phone buzzed once again and then, finally, she fished it out of her pocket and pressed the big red button when she realized who was calling. From all the people she didn't want to talk to, Hitoka was number one of them. Not because she was mad, but because Hitoka would probably feel everything that was happening and because Kiyoko feared Yachi's voice could make her freeze. And then everything would go to waste and she was not going to let go of her intricate plan. It took her months to finally come up with a perfect plan to finally say goodbye to a life of mistakes and failures and now she was finally putting it to work. She was in Tokyo, away from the ever-watching eyes for her mother and the judgmental comments of her father and sibblings. Away from every little things that had kept her in her place, with her head down, waiting for something or someone else to come along and save her.

 

Nobody was coming to save her now. She sat up, pulled off her gloves and scarf, took of her jacket and coat and stared through the window to the big glorious illuminated Tokyo, full of life and ready to devour her. Excitement ran through her veins like it hasn't done for years now. The phone buzzed again, this time it was Yui. She pressed the green button and held the phone with her shoulder, using her hands to try and unbutton her pants.

 

“So? Did you get in Tokyo all right?” Yui asked. There was loud noise on the background but Kiyoko still could hear her.

 

“Yeah. I'm all fine. The hotel is crazily nice! You should see it!” she chuckled. “Thanks for making excuses for my mom. Did she call you already?”

 

“She just did. I said I'm still waiting for your train to arrive. Call her. She sounded really worried.”

 

“I will,” she lied.

 

“Kiyoko!” Yui chuckled on the other side. “I can hear the lies in your voice tone.”

 

“I think you just know me too well,” Kiyoko laughed and for once, it didn't fell forced.

 

“Sure I do,” Yui replied. “Anyway. I see you tomorrow at the concert. Sweet dreams.”

 

“See you.”

 

There wasn't much left to do at that point. She finally text her mother and took a relaxing warm bath on the big with bathtub. The soap made the red cut on her belly and tights hurt a little but she endure it very well. Then Kiyoko dragged herself back to bed and fell asleep sooner than she thought she would. Next morning she was up before the sun. When breaking dawn was falling onto Tokyo with it's pretty pink, red, orange, blue and purple breathtaking tones, she was already dressed and ready to go. She had a list of all the things she wanted to do and even if she didn't have enough time to do them all, she did her best. When the sun was setting down, she had a bunch of crossed items on her list and fire running down inside her legs. How she managed to kept enough energy to drag her sorry ass to the concert was a mystery but she was glad she did.

 

Outside, on the spot they agreed to meet, Michimiya was already waiting when Kiyoko showed up. Her large smiled involved Kiyoko before she could do the same with her arms. “I can't barely believe you are in Tokyo all by yourself!”

 

After the entrance exams results on the previous year, when Kiyoko called her and told her she didn't make the cut, Michimiya though her friend would bow down her head and follow the life her parents had picked up for her: graduate in a college back home and work 9 to 5 every day, meet a nice boy, get married, have a couple of children, turn herself into a full-time mom. All the things Michimiya knew for sure Kiyoko dread the most. Kiyoko smiled as Michimiya cupped her face with her bare hands. “Aren't you cold without gloves?”

 

“I like the cold weather,” she shrugged. “Look at you, Kiyoko! I've missed your face.” Still smiling, she pulled Kiyoko closer. “This is Tokyo. Not Miyagi. You can relax,” she cooed when Kiyoko shivered. Slowly, their lips touched into an intimate soft kiss. Her hands never left Kiyoko's face and the warmth on Kiyoko's cheek made Yui's stomach flutter. Kiyoko's stomach was fluttering too.

 

When she was with Yui, she didn't feel so useless and lost. All was fine. It was like that with Yachi as well. She was never a burden to any of them and if she could chose, she would run away with both of them. If there was, of course, any way of not letting them see what she really was: all the flaws, all the failures, all the ugliness she got good at hiding inside her chest. If there is any other way of never letting them see it, she would do it.

 

Yui's lips got away from hers and they stared at each other again. The background noise that had vanished as Yui's tongue was dancing inside her mouth instantly cam back. Michimiya smiled again. “You seem a little off.”

 

“I've been walking up and down all day. I think I'm tired,” she forced a smile that felt wrong but Michimiya didn't seem to mind. Soon enough she was dragging Kiyoko into the show house. The music filled her ears and reverberate on her ribs, echoing in her lungs in a delighting painfully way. Yui's fingers were around her wrist. People banging on each other, shoulder to shoulder. Someone grouped her butt at some point but she didn't get to see who was. Yui's fingers were still wrapped around her wrist. Someone accidentally poured beer on her arm. The flicking lights were making her unease. It started with her lungs hurting as they tried to work properly. Her legs trembled as she tried to keep up with Yui's pace. Her throat closed. Eyes going out and back on focus. She felt the tears coming before they did. She stuck in her spot and one second later Yui's hand were no longer holding her. And she fell down.

 

Who was she trying to kid? She wasn't suitable for that. Just like her mother had told her over and over. Better saying, she wasn't suitable for anything, anymore. That big dark cloud that had been trying to prey on her since she was twelve had finally caught up with her and now she was nothing but a meal. She choked on her tears, her empty stomach jolting threatening to make her throw up nothing but acid fluid. She heard someone asking if she was okay and a minute later, she looked up and found Michimiya again.

 

“Sorry, I got lost in the mob,” she explained. “I thought you were behind me. Here. I won't let go of your hand again.”

 

Kiyoko's heart was still racing when they held hands again, this time intertwining their fingers so they wouldn't be separated again. Michimiya kept her promise and didn't let go of Kiyoko's hand throughout the whole concert. They sang and they jumped together. When her favorite song started, Kiyoko yelled the lyrics louder than anyone else. She jumped higher them everyone and she kept her eyes on the stage even when the band was already gone. Yui rest her forehead on Kiyoko's shoulder when she finally stopped jumping. “It's so good to see you happy,” she whispered. Kiyoko's swallowed back the knot on her throat.

 

They got outside following the mob. The cold weather felt like a gift. Outside, extremely drunk people were arguing, over emotional girls hugging each other, a couple of groups taking pictures, some loners walking home. Yui walked her to the station.

 

“Are you sure you don't wanna go back with me to my place?” she asked. Her right hand were fixing Kiyoko's hair behind her ear. Kiyoko didn't answer. She just close her eyes to enjoy the proximity. It would be over soon. She had to burn the sensation on her brain so she could remember it forever. As long as that _forever_ would be. “What is it?”

 

“What?”

 

“You are crying,” she explained. Her fingers brushed away a fat salty tear.

 

Kiyoko thought about giving an excuse but a moaned sob escaped her lips and soon the tears were unbearable. Michimiya didn't despair. She took off Kiyoko's glasses, gently held Kiyoko's chin and pulled her head down so she could kiss her forehead. “What is wrong?”

 

“I missed you.” It wasn't a lie but it was far from the whole truth. Of course she had missed Michimiya and of course it made her sad but the tears she was spilling were not only about that. But what else could she say? How could she explain to her best friend all the horrible things she was keeping inside?

 

Kiyoko couldn't know how long they stood there. Her train came and left twice before she was good enough to pull herself away from Michimiya's arms. Her wet face was not very good to convince Yui she was well enough to go back to her hotel but after a long discussion she finally managed to get away. She watched as Michimiya smiled at her. “Call me when you get there,” Michimiya said and she nod. That would be the last thing her best friend would ever say out loud to her and it was beautiful. Kiyoko didn't call when she got back to the hotel, but she did text.

 

Not only Yui but also her mother. She also send a voice mail to Yachi. After all the goodbyes and the plead for forgiveness, she stared at her naked reflection on the bathroom mirror. All the preparations were done. The warm water filling the tub, the pills on the sink, the bottle of cheap vodka on the floor beside the razor. She stepped inside the tub but suddenly changed her mind. Walking back to the bedroom, she put up underwear and nice blueish dress. Being found dead was not something she would like. She walked back to the bathroom, stepped inside the bathtub, sat down, reached the pills on the sink and took two with a sip of vodka. The taste was horrible. She smiled. Then took another pill and another sip of vodka. And she did it again, and again and again until all thirty two pills were gone. The she slowly took a big sip on the vodka and giggled when her stomach complained. Putting the bottle down, she reached for the razor. It would be a mess if she was too drunk to cut properly and she would like to at least be pretty at her own funeral. She didn't even feel the razor cutting her skin but the red pouring down the wound was proof that it had done it's job.

 

She thought that she would cowardly give up or that she would at least felt something. Kiyoko imagined that at some point she would regret and despair, but she didn't. As the sea after a tempest, she was calm and still. Desperation never came.

 

Her stomach jolted again as she watched the water turn red. She knew she was about to vomit but she wasn't sure if she still had enough strength to move. Her arms were already numb and her eyes were heavy. Her heart struggle as much as it could. It did feel lonely to die in a bathtub in a hotel room but in the end wasn't it why she came?

 

Kiyoko breathed out.

 

All was over.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I know. Pretty fucked up, huh?
> 
> Be my guest and complain at [Tumblr](http://lii-mao.tumblr.com).


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